HOW TO BE A PROPER NIGERIAN

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With a head-banging BOOM!!! comes my creative but usually busy contributor again *winks*…well, to properly identify him – Mr. Fish! And oh! Is he a Nigerian?! Do enjoy his ‘quite original’ piece.
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Most things in life have rules peculiar to them. This does not exclude being a citizen of a great country like Nigeria. The fact is that most things in life basically requires a manual. You need a guide. You don’t want to be caught unawares. Being a Nigerian comes with its peculiarities. Just follow the steps below:

A. Adopt a god

This is the most important step you will need to take. Adopt a god. The religion of achieving this does not matter. You need god. For example, when you are having sex and you are about to climax, you need something to attach it to. That is why you will say “Oh my god!”. Also, if you are a politician and you are planning to kill your opponents and their supporters, use soldiers to rig the elections or even harass the electoral umpire in broad daylight, you need god. Furthermore, if you are an armed robber and you are planning to go out for a raid or yours is backed by law in that they call you a policeman, you need god for a successful outing. Even after you have successfully carried out all these noble acts, you need something to give the praise to. That is why you need god.

B. Get a Religion

You need something to attach the first step to. However, getting a religion is not as important as realising that your religion is superior to others. Your god is special, so is his heaven. You must remember to always say this in your place of worship. Criticise other person’s religion, say derogatory things about it. You have a right to believe that your own religion is special and anybody not worshipping your god will definitely perish. At times, the government may make your life miserable. Hospitals may be under-equipped, schools may lack teachers and textbooks, roads may be death-traps, electricity may not be existing. In all of these plots of your government aiming to kill you, you need a heaven to hope for just in case they succeed.

C. Buy a Generator

You may have noticed, there is no light in Nigeria. This will effectively define your entire life as a Nigerian. You will have to supply your own electricity even if it is just to avoid stories that touch. You may want to have sex for example, if you try it in this heat without at least a fan blowing you guys, one of you may faint. You must avoid a tragedy like this. Even if it is a Chinese made “I-pass-my-neighbour”, just get a generator. Even if you live in a house where the sound of generators has become a menace and everybody is complaining, ignore this and just go ahead to buy yours. It is people who do not wish you well that will complain about the noise of the generator. This will even give you an opportunity to know your enemies. If you just gave birth, buy a generator. You don’t want an infant to get used to darkness and heat. The government may not care about this but you should. Buying a generator may even be a sign that god has finally blessed our hustle. It is a sin to try to cover god’s blessings.

Like other user manuals, this list is not exhaustive. I hope to get you more useful hints as soon as possible. In the meantime, enjoy your life as a Nigerian. Goodluck!

femiemmanuell@yahoo.com

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