I laid in bed a while back, thinking about some myths men have about girls and vice versa (the Mars-Venus conundrum), and while this article doesn’t readily
address that, I try to share some prevalent relationship myths prevalent in the Nigerian setting, which of course doesn’t have to be a ‘geographical’ thing, in other words, some or all are found all over the globe too. I do realize quite a lot has been said on this, but this is my own token *grins*…here goes.
- Let’s start from the very beginning: I’m waiting for my soul-mate. Damn! I used to fall into this category, daydreaming about lots of scenarios of bumping into a pretty lady, maybe me crashing into her and she dropping her ice-cream cone, or she tripping on some stairs and I the dashing prince catching her…haha…lots and lots of crazy scenario. And it’s safe to say I’m not alone in this fantasy craze (I escaped tho’…lol). Reality is “soul mates don’t ‘just’ exist”, it takes time and tide to actually be able to say “she/he’s my soul-mate”. Life ain’t a Nollywood or a Hollywood Disney fairytale, so wake up!!!
- Continuing from #1: I’m waiting for the perfect person. Yeah right. You gonna alone like forever, ‘cos no one is perfect, not you, not I. The bitter truth is no one is perfect, not even the ‘gentlemen’ like myself (I ain’t gentle). One person’s perfection might just be another’s imperfection, so perfection can be hard to come across, stop looking for Mr./Ms. Perfect, and just go for Mr./Ms. Makes me feel ‘alive’. And while we talking about perfection, it doesn’t necessarily involve being a ‘virgin’. Don’t get me wrong, staying chaste is proper and desirable. I mean, guys may not admit it, but most would rather go for ‘virgins’, even after deflowering tens of ladies. But I neutrally don’t think perfection should be based on that, I mean, athletes may rupture their hymen, ladies who got raped, etc…lots of scenarios. Anyway, it’s not wrong to have standards, it’s not wrong to desire certain things in a partner, just realize no one is perfect and you might be able to have your cake and eat it. Don’t wait for a perfect moment, make every moment perfect!!!
- Now, the ‘I can change him/her’ category. Hell no!! Why would you wanna change him or her when you met him or her like that and decided to hook up? Am not saying one can’t try to develop one’s partner, but their some intrinsic values or attitudes you just might never be able to change no matter what. Let’s say you dating someone stingy and you wanna change that person, it’s either you love the person like that, who anyways might be a good partner despite that, or get out of the relationship. Unless a person is really ready to change, changing them becomes ‘moaning’, ‘whining’, and ‘nagging’…tags anyone wouldn’t want to be associated with. So look before you leap. Some don’t even ‘whine’ nor ‘nag’ actually, they just believe they’ve got ‘characteristics’ that’ll change their partner, good luck!
- This is one myth a lot of folks believe a lot. Passion lasts forever. *chuckles*…even Juliet and Romeo’s passion didn’t last forever (well, you might argue it lasted till death, but I still say, “it dinna last forever”). Look, when we meet people we ‘like’ (I don’t believe in love at first sight), it’s normal to have adrenalin and other ‘love’ chemicals pumping like a fire-fighter’s hose in us, but time does dull (an age-long aphorism). Not saying passion cannot be sustained, but ladies (fun-loving), things ain’t always gonna be passionate and fun (get that into your cute brain) and he’s not always gonna crack funny jokes. And the onus doesn’t lie on the man alone to spice up things, I mean I’ve heard lots of ladies say “he’s boring”, “the spark just ain’t there again”…fine, let’s say you right, what did you do to bring some passion back? You just discard and wait for the next unfortunate dude to ”spice’ things up then dump his arse again. C’mon! Relationship is ‘hard-work’ (I don’t mean washing his clothes or boxers or is house), of course, you can show you care by helping, but he ain’t married you yet so don’t be a slave either. The important thing is the love is still there, the care is there, and if some zip is missing, c’mon girl! Supply ’em!!!
- Jealousy. Hmmm…Now I’ve heard lots of people say “if he ain’t jealous then he doesn’t love me”, and vice-versa. But truth be told, jealousy is borne out of insecurity and suspicion. a partner can be protective yeah, but jealousy don’t feature into that. Jealousy depicts a childish trait of inadequacy. I mean, if you are confident, and secure, why would you be jealous? so if jealousy is one of the traits you want in you partner, well, you might be in for a lot of complaints like “you have too many male friends”, “you spend too much time around beautiful slim ladies”, “do you have to look gorgeous every time you go out?” (of course as a lady you have to use your brains and respect your man and vice-versa…but a confident man doesn’t lose sleep over these nor a lady…I mean, if someone messes up, they moves on).
- We shouldn’t fight. Says who? I say FIGHT!!! Hey, I don’t mean pummeling each other with batons and rolling pins please, nor slapping and punching, I am totally against that. But hey! It ain’t no crime to argue (non-violently), it ain’t no crime to speak your mind (wisely), and it is a crime to always roll over like a smiling dummy. Reasonable fighting enables partners to know each other’s limits, respect each other, and spice up the relationship, it also enables more bonding to occur especially after the argument is resolved, I mean that’s when some people have the best kissing or sex of their lives, so who says ‘fighting’ ain’t good? Most ladies don’t want a guy who’s a worm (well, some like men they can dominate), that’s why ladies keep falling for ‘bad’ guys. Don’t stand there smiling like a fool always maine and nothing stops her from getting you gifts too!!! Love is reciprocal, you can’t expect a man to do ‘everything’ and then claim some ‘equality’ crap!
- If we’re in love, you should know I needed that. Jeez!!! Do I look like some wizard (I am actually), or a magician, or star-gazer??? The mouth was made for something yeah? To express one’s mind, and feelings, and talk right? I feel so many partners expect their spouse to be a mix of superman, harry potter, and God, that’s a fantasy yeah? I’m not saying one can’t be perceptive, but if one’s partner ain’t getting the signals or signs (which doesn’t necessarily mean he/she doesn’t care), open your mouth and speak up, the world ain’t gonna shatter and if it does, so be it. Being perceptive and intuitive is good, but we ain’t God, we don’t always know.
- If we are in love we should be together every micro-second. *scoffs* Bet if you thinking that, you don’t probably have a life or you insecure. Again, spending time with each other is bliss. But you have to realize you both had a life before deciding to hitch a relationship ride together. Have seen so many guys ‘tie-down’ their ladies just so they can be with them and not go out. That shit ain’t right, allow each other grow, make friends, and have fun (yeah, even without you), let her go to the spa with her friends, let him go to the bar with his pals…c’mon, don’t choke the rose petals outta the stem…so many relationships peter out due to lack of ‘breathing’ spaces. Enjoy each others’ company but respect the individuality and independence of each other as much as possible too. You’ll be the happier for it. And hey! For peeps that don’t believe in saying “I love you”, due to the perception it ain’t necessary, or (s)he knows, or you shy (in the midst of friends/colleagues), well, it sure helps if your partner knows you are proud of them and can ascertain that anywhere in the world. Of course, action speaks louder than words and the words alone should not make one fall into ‘traps’ like a jellybean, trust me, ask your spouse, hearing you say those words also mean a lot to ‘em :).
- What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Hmmm, this is a lil’ controversial. But basically, if you are going into a relationship holding out on some information that if your partner finds out later might jeopardize your relationship, why not spit it out and get on with it. There’s also a twist to this, some ladies (especially) say “if he’s messing around, as long as he doesn’t drag me into his mess am alright with it”, well, each to their own, but I know that kind of partner won’t be happy and of course, her not know the number of ladies ‘her man’ is sleeping with or she ‘not caring’ doesn’t change the reality that her partner is an unloyal, unfaithful, and cheating dog. While the above is a two-edged sword admittedly, if you love someone be honest with them, if you ain’t that trend will continue to absorb some other ‘secret’ incidents and it just might blow up in your face some day.
- Once we get married…hahahahaha!!! So many ladies and some guys get sucked into the abyss of this myth. Damn! Flee and don’t get married! ‘Cos him pummeling you aint gonna change, his drinking or smoking of Indian hemp ain’t gonna stop!!! If you knew all that all along (or you were blinded by ‘love’) and still jumped into his marriage carriage, then enjoy the baggage and carry the luggage for as long as he decides to own them. Marriage doesn’t change people, people change themselves…marriage is just a ‘name’ or ‘tag’, it doesn’t change the ‘core’ of who someone is. So you’d better shine your eyes before marrying that lady that can’t boil water, or love her like that with no complaints and live ‘happily’ after with over salted meals and sugared fried eggs.
And oh! Before I go, SEX ain’t gonna make him stay gurl, no matter how much he pesters you, once you give him, don’t expect you own him and he’s gonna be as loyal as a cute chubby fluffy puppy. If he pops the cherry and wanna leave, he’s gonna do it without breaking a stride. I’ve had a friend (gurl) say, “well, a guy needs to taste different ‘juices’, you know”, all because she had given her soul and body to the relationship and had a hard time letting go. I was so pissed with that bollocks talk. I decided to distance myself from her. Don’t be stupid. Be wise. I should also add that girls “it ain’t all about the money”! All you ‘I-wanna-get-married-tomorrow ladies’, give ‘average’ guys a chance will ya!!! Before you leap into a ‘money’ bed you gonna regret. *tongue out*
Hope this has been as neutral and interestingly sensible as possible. 🙂