How to be a Political Activist in Nigeria

Protesters-for-the-Bring--009This is a kinda interesting piece from a friend Mr. Fish (Salako), kinda funny, yet elucidating a bigger societal picture when it comes to socio-political issues. Have fun reading!!!! 🙂

A friend of mine went to meet his prospective father-in-law. Things went the other way when the man asked him what his occupation was. He was a writer. He was asked to go and get a proper job and then come back. I am sure if he had read a manual like this he could have performed better. The Nigerian society teaches you to do good for yourself. You cannot be just a writer. That’s a useless thing to do. If you must be a writer or even a journalist, add the Nigerian flavour to it. So if you want to be a successful Nigerian political activist, this manual is just the right one to read. Just note the following:

1) ABUSE THE GOVERNMENT

This is your most potent tool. Abuse the government. In fact, attack the government with your words. Most times government leaders forget why they are voted into power. It is your duty to jog their memory. If God will help you, the president of the country or your Governor may be clueless about proper governance. This is your ladder to fame. You must not let this opportunity pass by. Abuse the president. Call him names. Some people can be advising you to criticize the government constructively. Forget about them. Most people don’t even want your success. Find a good dictionary with big grammars. Memorise these grammars and use them when you abuse the government. Your listeners may not even understand the grammars. You have no business with this. It is not your fault. Let them go and buy a dictionary too.

2) ORGANISE A PROTEST

You need to be noticed. It is easier if you organize or attend a protest. When you attend one, make sure you stay in the front where the camera can capture you very well and don’t forget to make the loudest noise. If you want to make your work easier, be a political activist in support of the government, collect some money from the government – preferable in dollars, form or join a militia or an ethnic association, then organize or join a protest in a popular city. When you protest, don’t let it be peaceful. If it is peaceful, you won’t be noticed quickly and thereby slow down your attainment to fame. Cause heavy traffic, harass passersby, destroy vehicles, and arm yourself with dangerous items like gun or machete. Do not worry about the police. They will even give you protection to ensure that nobody disturbs you in your noble exercise. You cannot just be sitting down and organizing lectures, asking for some forgotten little girls to be brought back for example. Hit the streets!

3) RANT ON SOCIAL MEDIA

This is the 21st century so you won’t have difficulties in getting a social media account. You have a wide range of options to choose from but I believe Facebook and Twitter (especially) should do the job. Get an account and just rant. Complain about everything and anything. If you have a disagreement with your friend, find a way to blame it on the government. In fact, blame everything on the government or the president in particular. When you update your status; tag as many people as possible so as to get many responses. Many of the comments will not make sense and some of them will even abuse you or curse your parents. This does not matter. You need the comments anyways. When you become a big man, they also will mention you when they post any senseless thing so as to draw attention.

In conclusion, don’t forget to mention me when you finally make it. Don’t be an ingrate. I wish you Good luck or is it best of luck?

Femiemmanuell@yahoo.com

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